I Am Now What I Could Have Been
by JackBadJuJu
Summary: Peeta & Katniss are surely at death's door. This is the last chance to admit to each other feelings long buried & desires long kept secret. Can Katniss let go & live the moment? Rated M for LEMON. A little OOC, AU Set in Catching Fire.


**Hello there. **

**This is an AU one shot that I started on way before Mockingjay came out. I realize that if this really did happen then it would pretty much void a lot of things in the second and third book, but this is just a one shot of lemony goodness. **

**Katniss is a bit OOC in this shot. I can't imagine her really doing this, but I tried to keep in canon best I could under the circumstances. **

**If you are looking for a slower build up then you can check out my story Real or Not Real? **

**Please ****REVIEW**** (totally inspires and encourages me) and place me in your ****AUTHOR ALERT.**

**Thanks so much! **

We walk down the hallway. Peeta wants to stop by his room to shower off the makeup and meet me in a few minutes, but I won't let him. I'm certain that if a door shuts between us, it will lock and I'll have to spend the night without him. Besides, I have a shower in my room. I refuse to let go of his hand.

We walk into my room together and I feel differently than the other nights he has spent with me. He sighs heavily as if some relief has been doused on him. I look up to see him smiling sadly. The look in his eyes tells me he wants to be with just me tonight. But then I knew this already from his previous words and actions. I feel like I just haven't been listening or really caring enough.

I finally let go of his hand but before I let go completely of him I hug him. He responds by wrapping me up in his arms.

"Thank you." I say without explaining myself. Thanks for staying. Thanks for always being there even though I'm not always there for him. Thanks for helping get back at the Capitol the only way we could. I suppose I'm thankful for all of it but I can't express it to him.

He slowly lets his arms fall to his sides and excuses himself to the shower. I'm alone listening to the water pouring out of the faucet from the other side of the door. It occurs to me that Peeta is actually in my shower…naked. Suddenly I feel very petty and perhaps a little disgusted with myself. I shouldn't be thinking of such sordid things. Of course he is nude. He is showering. But somehow my mind wanders to what he might look like, at least the areas I haven't seen. I laugh at myself thinking that the whole country thinks I've done things that I haven't with Peeta. My innocence reminds me loudly it couldn't be farther from the truth.

I get up and start getting together my pajamas feeling wholly uncomfortable in my own skin. Why I would start exploring my sexuality or lack thereof at a time like this baffles me. For all I know I will die tomorrow before getting off the platform.

But then I think to myself that perhaps I know I will never get a chance ever again for the luxury of that kind of self discovery. I will never feel that part of myself being validated or even acknowledged.

In the arena I will be too busy trying to keep not only myself, but more importantly Peeta alive. My thoughts won't be worrying about sex or anything close to it. I have a sense that I've been sentenced to death so I'm thinking of every detail of life I don't know. I feel like everything I denied wanting like sharing that kind of love with someone, marriage, or children has been ripped away from me. I've been so scared of it for so long that I had stopped thinking about the good parts of those risks, and believe me I still saw them as big risks.

I wonder if Peeta feels the same way. I know in my heart that he wants to get married, maybe even to me, but is he mourning over it being ripped away like I am? I find myself standing still in my thoughts with my bed clothes in my hand when Peeta walks out of the shower. Of course he didn't have a chance to go back to his room on my insistence so instead all he has to wear to bed is his undershirt and boxer shorts. '_Fabulous_' I think to myself. This situation only makes my thoughts from before come back in full force.

"Are you okay, Katniss?" Peeta asks as he casually towels off his hair with one hand. He probably doesn't even notice that I'm fixated on the strip of flesh peeking out from the hem of his shirt as his arm is lifted drying his hair.

"Yeah, fine." I say before I rush by him. When I get into the bathroom and shut the door I lean against it for a moment to collect myself.

What's wrong with me? It's like suddenly I'm thinking of all the things I thought I didn't want, and who I'd want them with. One of the people I would even consider these things with is Peeta. The other, Gale, I realized suddenly I've let go. Maybe if I was still the District 12 girl who everyone knew as a rebel hunter and gatherer I could love and marry Gale like I was probably meant to. But I was sent to the Hunger Games and I went through so much that only Peeta can understand. Only Peeta.

I take a deep breath and focus on washing the makeup off my body. The bathroom is still warm and foggy from Peeta's shower. I strip away my clothes and gulp when I think that he did the same thing in here. A strange mixture of fear and excitement roll through me but I keep going along with the motions of taking a shower to try and ignore it.

I wash my body slowly and carefully as if I know it's the last time it will be in one piece. I look down and see the curves of my breasts. I don't dislike my body. I can see the imperfections of my form but there is no hatred against it. I have better things to hate about myself. There have been times I didn't feel comfortable in my body but it's been sufficient. I wonder what my now impossible to have husband might have liked it. I wonder if Peeta likes it.

My hands still over me. What if this is my last chance? My last chance to feel anything that I've heard of most of my life about passion and physical surrender. I could always be just the way I am now. I think about what happened tonight with Peeta lying straight faced in front of the whole of the country. We never had a toasting and I am not pregnant with his child. But would that fate be so bad? Aside from my fear of the possibility of my children having to be reaped for the Hunger Games, what am I afraid of? Now I know I will not even survive to have children. So what stops me now from looking at my feelings for Peeta?

I could argue that if I cared for Peeta more then it could endanger me being protective over him in the arena, but isn't that the whole point of me being here? I'm here to make sure that the best of us goes home. Perhaps caring more might help. And maybe I could argue it will hurt more to figure out my feelings for Peeta because I will never have a chance to express them again.

I turn away from the shower and let the water roll down my back. I realize then that I've been crying. I wipe away my tears as my body and heart suddenly feel so foreign to me. Yet, I sense that what's happening has been trying to happen for some time. I've been trying to work out exactly what Peeta means to me and what losing him and every chance of having him will feel like.

I finish my shower gritting my teeth trying my best to be as emotionally stubborn as ever. I will not feel this hurt, this desire, or this regret. I will not feel it and will not even acknowledge it. I will go back into that room and let him hold me for the last time just so I get some rest for the arena tomorrow. But as I put on my clothes for bed I realize that my hands are shaking. I'm furious, scared, and then I'm obstinate. I will not let this have me so I fight off the feeling of giving into my many emotions as if I'm in hand to hand combat with an enemy.

I make sure my face is dry and has no evidence of tears. I breathe in deeply in and out and prepare myself for Peeta's presence. I won't break. He can't see it. I won't let him.

I open the door feeling like I could take on ten assailants as the same time if need be. But there is only Peeta. There in the middle of my bedroom waiting for me. His eyes light up when I walk into the room. His breathing slows and a small smile creeps on his face. He loves me.

Its only takes a half a second for to hit me. I love him.

I look down away from him and lower myself to the bed feeling dazed. It's amazing to me how quickly he disarms me.

"Katniss, are you okay?" Peeta asks for the second time tonight and rushes over to me concerned.

I feel like telling him everything yet nothing at all. I feel like running out of the room yet also I want to seek his comfort. I instead, feeling not brave enough to do any of these actions, just start crying. He holds me. Really holds me with every ounce of his heart poured into it.

"I'm scared." I finally sob out.

"I won't let anyone hurt you. I promise. You'll go home and be safe if it kills me." Peeta assures me, but he's wrong over my panic.

"No." I say pulling back. "I'm afraid…Peeta…I didn't know. I didn't realize. I just…I'm so stupid. So much wasted time." I ramble on with no end in sight.

"What? What are you talking about?" He interrupts me.

The next thing I say will dictate how the rest of the night goes. How the rest of my life goes however short it is to be.

"I'm scared of losing you." I finally admit to him. He doesn't seem stunned at my words but somehow he can sense something is different than me just not wanting him to die. There is an intensity flowing out of me and it's making my stomach twist into knots. I want to tell him I love him but I can't.

So I do the next best thing I can think of do and that is to act. I lean forward but he doesn't move. I lean a little further and he understands. I want to kiss him. He inhales sharply and then my lips are on his. Time pauses as if its letting me savor this moment. Peeta doesn't stay still long though and soon his hands are holding onto my face. He kisses me deeper and I let him. I even thoroughly enjoy it. It makes my heart pound in my chest and my breathing pick up.

He leads the kiss now and I swear I feel every sweet thing he's ever said to me. His hands on my face are gentle but I feel like there is some urgency underneath it all. I know he must feel like I do. This is our last chance to be honest.

"I love you." He pulls away to say. "I love you so much. You don't have to say it back. I just needed you to know." He takes my hand and kisses it. I try my best to let my heart lead even though it's harder than I could ever think it would be.

"I love you too." My words aren't as smooth as Peeta's. He has always been better expressing himself.

But nonetheless my words do have some kind of power. He smiles wide and beautiful and closes his eyes. His sigh is deep and relief filled. When he opens his eyes I see the hunger there and I want him to show it to me. I want to know what has made people crazy and happy and frantic. What is this feeling that people seem so obsessed with?

"Kiss me again." I whisper. Before I finish my words his lips are mine again. They press harder into me and I feel strangely filled. I open my mouth to him and I hear him moan. I try to keep my concentration on Peeta despite the fact that uncertainty is starting to creep in. What if I don't know what to do? What if I end up looking like a complete fool?

I kiss him as passionately as he kisses me and I fall under some kind spell where all my questions are irrelevant. He scoots back on the bed and I follow him. We lay back side by side. I let his arms wrap around me and he pulls me closer. His body gives off the most satisfying heat. When he rolls us until he is over me I have a moment of absolute terror. We are in the most intimate position. He pulls away instantly and looks down at me apologetically. There would be silence in the room if it wasn't filled with our loud breathing and unresolved tension.

"I'm sorry. Too much, too fast." He starts pulling away and some odd dread rises inside of me with a force I've never known. I'm scared, yes, but I want him. I take a moment to process that thought. I want Peeta. I want him badly.

"I'm sorry." He says again but I cut him off with a kiss and pull him over me again.

"We don't have any more time to be sorry, Peeta." I whisper hoarsely against his lips. My mouth mashes against him hard. "I can't know…" Emotion bubbles inside me and I sob out a little. "I can't know our time is over. Please."

I hate that I sound like I'm begging but when he looks into my eyes I know he understands how I feel. He swallows deep considering what I am asking him. I'm sure he wonders if he would be taking advantage of me, but I say nothing hoping he understands he wouldn't be.

"Have you ever..." The unsaid question remains between us. I'm almost offended he would ask me but then I recognize that he probably thinks that Gale and I are together. I shake my head no. I look at him asking the same question without any words.

"No. I have done some things but…just not all the way." I am grateful for his honestly strangely enough. At least he knows something whereas I know nothing. I find myself becoming irrationally jealous of the girl who might have been with Peeta that way.

The moment starts to cool off as we stare at each other thinking about taking a step that somehow feels like we are being forced to make. "Are you sure?" He finally asks.

I don't answer right away not wanting to seem too eager and to really think about the question. Am I ready to do this? No probably not. But maybe you never really are, at least anyway in the life I live. The better question is am I ready to die? And I'm not until Peeta understands how much I love him.

"Yes." I answer more confidently than I thought I would.

"Okay." Peeta simply responds before he kisses me languidly as if we had all the time in the world. I realize though that this night, our last night will linger because we have to hold onto it.

He kisses down my neck and on the tops of my breasts that peek out of my tank top. My hands explore the skin on his back. His muscles are defined here and I become obsessive about following each line down his back. I pull up his shirt to continue my exploration. He then in some expert guy move removes his shirt by pulling the top of it over his shoulders. When his shirt is off I feel electricity run through my skin every where his bare skin touches mine.

When he goes back to kissing my neck I close my eyes at the feeling. I couldn't name it at first, this anticipation. The only word I could come up with is pleasure. This is what pleasure feels like. It was pure, simple, and going to consume me.

His hands rest at the hem of my shirt. His eyes ask permission and I pull the shirt off myself feeling brave and desperate. I'm naked before him and I hold my breath waiting for any reaction. But he just stares. I'm not sure what the expression on his face is because it's a mixture of so many emotions. I see desire, surprise, and perhaps a little relief as if some build up tension was released. But he stays completely still.

Then finally he says something. "You are so beautiful."

He doesn't waste time now. He is kissing all over me and I'm not prepared for the response my body has. I feel as if I have been shocked, like I'm going into overload. I moan loudly which only encourages him.

We are frantic feeling our bare skin completely against each other. It's exhilarating. I can feel his hardness against me and I for some reason feel triumphant. I have created that reaction in him. He reaches for my pajama bottoms and I only have a moment of indecision before I once more remind myself that this is it. My last chance. I let him take the last of my clothing off and now I'm utterly exposed to him. Once more he surveys me as if he has found some long lost treasure. It makes me feel nervous and flattered at the same time.

We both watch as his hand drifts down my body. He wants to touch me and I want to be touched. First his hand ghosts over me and it make me inhale sharply. He then touches me again but this time he finds some spot I was unaware existed. He starts to rub against it and I buck my hips off the bed.

I look at him like he some miracle worker for knowing my body better than I do. He continues and has me under his complete control. I battle the thoughts that I hate other people to be in such a position of power, but pleasure clouds my mind to only think of this moment.

Peeta then takes one of my nipples into his mouth and teases it gently before sucking on it. The idea first seems silly that a grown man would do such a thing but the sensation is all consuming. His focused attention on me becomes almost unbearable. Something builds inside of me that I've only felt fleetly. I start to unknowingly move with his hand trying to achieve whatever completion this feeling provides.

Then suddenly it's as if something breaks inside of me. I lose all comprehension and drift into some daydream of pure bliss. When I gain back the power of consciousness to the world I see Peeta smiling.

"I've never seen you more beautiful." He whispers in awe. I'm not sure what he sees but I immediately feel self conscious. I had let completely go and the concept to me was so foreign. I fear what I might have looked like or what I might have said.

"Katniss, you really are." Peeta tries to assure me. I smile a little because there is enough conviction in his voice for the both of us to believe it at least a little bit.

His lips move once more over mine. I can't believe how comfortable I feel being naked in his presence. Everything we've done so far simply becomes comfortable. The fear of what is to come still remains, but less than it was before.

I can still feel him against me hard and wanting. I feel instantly bad that I had not paid any attention to him. But then how do I do that? I try and let my instincts carry me. I put my hand on Peeta's chest and lay him on his back. I lay down with him and kiss him. My hand makes lazy circles around his bare chest. He seems to enjoy it because his eyes are closed as if concentrating on the feeling.

I have to work up the courage to do what is next. His boxers are tented and I try not to let fear and hesitation reign. My hand drifts slowly toward his erection. I'm curious but scared. I try to think of how good he just made me feel and how much I want that for him.

When I finally touch him through his boxers Peeta tries to strangle a moan. When I put my hand around him he says under his breath, "Yes."

I continue my exploration which is becoming more difficult with his boxers still on. I look at him to see his eyes closed and his head slight thrown back. His mouth makes a tight line and his breathing is shallow. I resolve to keep going. I sit up and hook my fingers on the band of his boxers, but suddenly Peeta's hands are over mine stopping me.

"Katniss."He breathes out. "Are you sure? Because once you go that far…it will be really difficult for me to stop."

I nod to him once before I take off the last piece of clothing separating us. When it's out of the way I have nothing to do but stare. I'm not sure if what before me seems utterly impossible or in its own way a little beautiful. I don't vocalize either thought.

I let my hand trace his outline. I find myself to be in a sort of awe although I am a little concerned over how it's going to fit inside of me. Peeta watches me his breathing picking up the more I touch him. I look at him a little lost.

"How do I…what do I…do?" I ask with more innocence than I care to have. He just smiles.

"Believe me, you've done it. Come here." He holds out his arms for me to come closer. "I have to kiss you again."

He rolls us over. He takes his hand and sweeps if over my body and I catch my breath. Nothing has ever felt like this. "Are you ready?" He asks.

I nod slowly trying to gather the moment in my consciousness. I was about to have sex and the thought was exciting and terrifying. I can't resist him though.

He climbs above me and nudges my leg apart to settle between them. I gulp when I feel his hardness now at my entrance. I begin to tremble. I'm so sure this is going to hurt, but then what pain haven't I gone through? I try to relax as he kisses me. It helps.

He looks at me one more time asking for permission and the only answer I give him is to push against him. He is a little inside of me. My move has taken him by surprise and he takes a moment to gather himself. He pushes deeper in and the sensation is foreign. I breathe through the discomfort. Soon he is totally inside of me. My mind races with what we've done so far. This feels so far out of the realm of possibility that I begin to wonder if this is in fact a really good dream.

Peeta is breathing heavy and he looks like a man in deep concentration. I bring my hand up to his face to calm him down. I can't imagine what this moment must mean to him. He's probably wanted this for some time and he answers my wonderings when he says, "I've dreamed of this for so long."

His voice is shaky and sincere. It stirs something deep inside of me but I'm not sure I can name it. He pulls back a little and then pushes back. He does this a few times before I feel a tingle of the pleasure I felt before. I wait as it builds up every time he moves.

We are both trembling when I decide to push against him like I did before. The feeling is overwhelming and we moan in sync. Soon we develop a rhythm the speeds up with our desperation for the sweet conclusion we can see on the horizon. I am lost in the moment and there is a huge part of me that wants it to last forever. Thoughts try to invade the harmony of it all and I am able to push them away with such fierceness and efficiency.

Suddenly the friction is too much and I feel my body ignite. There is sharp sensation on the borderline of pleasure and pain and then I'm falling. I have no conception of the now or then or what is to be. My senses are completely taken over. My eyes are blinded by a white light. My ears are filled with the beating of my heart. The only thing I can taste is Peeta's kiss.

I come back from my own high to see him let go and feel what I have. It's almost as if he waited for me first. I hold tight to him and I kiss all over his face and neck. When he stops moving and rests his head on my forehead I feel complete and spent.

He smiles at me surprised as I am that we actually went through it. "I love you. I always have." He tells me again but I don't think I will tire of hearing it now.

"I love you too." I respond. "I always will." It feels like it's a goodbye.

Tomorrow we will be in the arena again. Tomorrow one or both of us could die. We could watch each other's death. There are so many things that could happen and will happen. But right now Peeta holds me and I am loved and safe. I will hold onto this until I die, whenever that will be. I may not get the future that I could have had, but I am now what I could have been. I am happy, if only for a moment.


End file.
